bittersweet November 11, 2009

Read this mind-pricking quote this morning by  Oswald Chambers. (My Utmost for His Highest):

“Abraham did not choose the sacrifice. Always guard against self-chosen service for God, self-sacrifice may be a disease.”

Wow. That is the basic problem of my life. I want to choose, darn it!!  I want things to be easy, to go smooth.

However, God wants me to grow up and be more like His son Jesus.   He permits difficult situations in my life and calls me to do things that are beyond my abilities. I must learn to surrender to HIS choice, to HIS plans, to HIS ways.

Abraham was asked to give that which was most precious to him. God was only testing him, but Abraham was good with letting God choose.

Oswald Chambers goes on to give us advice about how to proceed. When God chooses the cup that we must drink in our lives, we should accept it with grace if it’s sweet, and “drink it in communion with Him” if the cup is bitter.

Today, my cup is bittersweet. Some really, really tough times sandwiched with some of the sweetest blessings I’ve ever received.

I guess that letting Him choose isn’t so bad after all.

the d word November 4, 2009

My baby boy has slept through the night for several days now. I knew he could do it.

When I went to women’s retreat a couple of weekends ago, the Lord showed me that my boy was capable of sleeping 8 or 9 hours straight. He did it at the hotel. Little stinker!! At home, he would get up every two, three, or maybe four hours in the night. I knew that God was giving me the go-ahead to be firm with my little buddy.

So, when I got home from retreat, I stopped feeding him in the middle of the night. Boy, would he cry. It was hard for him to go back to sleep. However, I knew that a boy in the 100+ percentile for height and weight did not need a midnight and three a.m. snack. I pressed on. Rearranged everyone in the house… put them in rooms where they wouldn’t hear my boy protesting. I cried ALOT. I just kept hanging on to what I knew was true… with some discipline, my son would learn to sleep through the night consistently.
And here we are! We’ve had several good nights in a row. He’s also doing better during the day… I can put him down awake and he falls asleep by himself. That’s another milestone that seemed out of reach at one time.

Discipline. That’s a word that can make me shudder. The bible says that no discipline is pleasant for the moment, but it yields a wonderful, and necessary harvest. That sure rings true in our home right now.

I know that the Lord is trying to discipline me too. I have some areas of my life that are out of control. He is giving me grace for now in some areas (like food) but He is bringing discipline to my life in others. One example is time-management.

I homeschool my two daughters (3d & 6th grade). What issues I’ve been having with the older one!! She cannot use her time wisely. The other day, the Lord showed me that I am no better!  So, He has been showing me how I can grow in this area. I’ve tried the habits and solutions He’s shown me, and we are making slow progress.

Today, I made a very foolish decision regarding time and school work, and it wasn’t long before I was sobbing! God was disciplining me by showing me – clear as day – the results of my decision. He was so kind, whispering to my heart that I should not beat myself up, but just learn from what He showed me.

So, tomorrow promises to be a better day. This discipline is not pleasant… but it will yield the harvest that I need to become a better person, mother, and teacher.

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

sticky dough October 29, 2009

I felt totally energized when I woke up this morning. Planned to get a shower, have a little time reading my bible and praying, and make scones for breakfast.

Well, I couldn’t get out of the shower because the water was so warm… and suddenly time was slipping away. I began to hurry.

I mixed the scone ingredients together and the dough was so darn sticky! I was in tears and so frustrated trying to get the dough portioned out on the stone for baking, now that the time had come to send my older daughter off with dad.

How quickly my own good attitude fizzled out. That stupid dough was God’s way of reminding me that I won’t get anywhere on my own power.

Initially, I skipped out on the quiet time with Him — and I didn’t get very far. The dough (and cascading meltdown) sent me straight to prayer and my devotional book. (Where I should have begun!)

Funny how God uses the littlest things to get my attention. Thankfully, I was paying attention this time.

When the scones came out of the oven… warm and sweet… I was reminded of how God can make something good out of any sticky mess.

Thank goodness.

being still October 28, 2009

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

“Jesus got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” Mark 4:39

“You may not see or feel the inner workings of His silent power, but rest assured it is always mightily at work. And it will work for you, if you will only quiet your spirit enough to be carried along by the current of its power.” –Hannah Whitall Smith

Carry me, Lord.

tough love October 23, 2009

Tough times in my household. I realized that my baby boy is capable of sleeping through the night. He did it three nights in a row recently.

So, it’s time to get tough. I’ve spoiled him so… nursing him to sleep and letting him sleep in my room. All of those habits have taught him that he can eat any time he wants to, and the boy does not know how to go to sleep on his own. I’ve spent this week letting him fuss himself to sleep at every nap and even in the middle of the night. It’s been tough on both of us.

I realized today, while having a quick lunch with a friend, that my approach to parenting right now resembles the way that God deals with you and me.

I can give my baby what he wants… it will make him happy, and solve the problem for the moment. However, giving him what he wants at every juncture creates major problems in the long run. I’ve already seen the consequences for giving in to his whims all the time.  Not only does it make my life crazy, but it hurts him. On the days that we have no schedule, and I let him eat and sleep whenever he wants, the boy is SO fussy. He’s not happy. He doesn’t feel good.

I ask God to do things for me all the time. If He gave into my every whim… I would be happy for the moment. But how would that affect me in the long run? I would never know what perseverance is. I wouldn’t have patience. Would I really be grateful… never having waited for anything?

Sometimes the thing I want is the very worst thing for me! How grateful I am to have a heavenly Father that knows what is best for me… and isn’t afraid to be tough with me. He lets me cry myself to sleep sometimes… and instead of giving me what I want, He gives me what I really need in that moment.

the calling of your life October 14, 2009

Must be a “bloggy” kind of week. This is my third post in five days!

All day yesterday, a book sat on my fireplace and called my name. I finally got to it this morning. A few thoughts from Oswald Chambers just hit me. Reading the passage brought some major clarity to my life today.

Mr. Chambers was talking about Moses. Remember in Exodus 2, when he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave? He killed the Egyptian. I had always thought of that as such an impulsive thing to do. Never understood where that came from… Moses was not a violent man.

After my reading this morning, I think that in his soul, Moses already felt the calling to lead God’s people when he was a young adult in Egypt. Seeing one of his fellow Hebrews being abused, the passion for leadership that God was developing in him came to the surface. Granted, his actions were wrong, but I think that he was responding to God’s call in his flesh (in his own power and timing).

How often are we guilty of that? We sense God’s call on our lives, and we begin to act on it before He can lay out each step before us.

So, Moses spent the next 40 years in the desert with sheep. God needed time to work some things out in Moses. The calling wasn’t canceled, just on hold until God’s perfect timing came to pass.

Feeling like you’re in the desert? I sure am. Sometimes I wonder if God is going to lead me back into the kind of service that I know falls in line with the calling of my life.

God showed me that I need this time in the desert to further prepare me for future ministry. The calling is not cancelled… just postponed for now.

I must trust that His timing is perfect!

simple little lesson October 13, 2009

Learned a lesson today… something so simple, even a third grader can understand it.

I was teaching a bible lesson to my daughter, and the curriculum suggested Psalm 37:4 as her memory verse for this week. She read it to me in her version, and I learned something new.

That’s what I love about being a teacher… whether I’m instructing my own kids or adults in bible study… the teacher always learns more than the student. I love that.

I know verse four as, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart.” I claim this verse in my life often… I want God to give me what I want. (I know, I’m so spiritual.)

My daughter’s bible read, “Find your delight in the Lord. Then he will give you everything your heart really wants.” (NIRV)  I paraphrased it for her, and as the words were coming out of my mouth, my heart opened wide to receive this new insight.

If you first love what God has already given you… then He will let you have the other things that you want.

So simple, even a third grader could grasp it.  It’s sinking in.

Thank you, Lord… for all that you’ve blessed me with. Help me to be grateful for each and every blessing and provision. I will wait patiently for the rest.

how did i get here? October 10, 2009

Amazed this week to discover where I’m at in life. Who would have thought that I would have 3 kids, homeschooling two of them with a nursing baby in cloth diapers? With my daughter’s recent health issues, we are having to cut out nearly all cholesterol. We’re on the verge of becoming vegetarians, and I love it! My desire to cook and prepare fresh, healthy meals for my family is increasing. How did I become such a dedicated earthy homemaker?

I can tell you that all of these things come not from me, but from the Lord. The more that I let Him have the reigns in my life, the more that He transforms me into the woman He wants me to be.

I guess I’ll continue to let Him lead, and we’ll see where I end up and who I become.

Saw a friend at church last sunday that I hadn’t seen in a while. I asked the Lord to speak to me while I was struggling to get everyone to church on time (and alive). When I saw this friend, she said that she’d had a dream about me the night before. It was interesting…

When I got into the service and began to sing, I knew that the dream meant something. It was another way that God has been showing me that He has my future in His hands…

And the future is going to be awesome.

the look of love September 28, 2009

Giving birth to a child is an amazing thing.  It doesn’t take long for us to fall in love with the little bundle that we bring home from the hospital. They smell so sweet and fit so perfectly in our arms.

Our babies attach themselves to us pretty quickly. However, it’s their needs that outweigh all other movitation. They want us because we are the ones with the milk, and we have the ability to comfort them. They don’t know what love is yet.

Then one day, it all changes. They look at us with a big drooley smile and a sparkle in their eyes.  It’s undoubtedly the look of love.

It happened this week.  I saw it in little Levi’s face.  He loves me!  He is thrilled to see me, to hear my voice, and to be in my arms.   It made all the sleepless nights, all the fussy evenings, all the miles on the rocking chair worth it. Suddenly I forgot about the endless demands and just thanked God for this sweet baby.

It made me think about how much God longs to see that look of love in our eyes.

“But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge.” Psalm 141:8

over my limit September 25, 2009

Life has been crazy lately. Trying to homeschool a third and a sixth grader, care for an infant, and keep a house in order on insufficient sleep is a little more than I can handle. I am definitely over my limit.

Yet, I know that God has called me to this time and place in my life. This sweet baby was His idea. God is the One that showed me how much my 9 year old needs one-on-one schooling. The details that need to be managed at home are numerous…but only evidence that God has blessed our family immensely.

I’m over my limit because, once again, I am trying to do this on my own. This is a mountain that I keep going around and around…. when will I learn?

I believe that God is allowing the pressure in my life to increase so that I will turn to Him and learn to trust Him more. He wants to do this work through me… all I have to do is allow His love, power, and grace to flow through me.

I read this quote by Oswald Chambers this morning, and it confirmed what God has been trying to communicate to me lately:

If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally; as long as we have the dead set purpose of being disciples (by our own power) we may be sure that we are NOT.

He says, “I have chosen you.”

That is the way the grace of God begins…we can disobey it, but we cannot generate it.

Our Lord’s making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted do to by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always.

So, today and I am not going to try to BE anything. I cannot generate the grace that I need for today. I am going to REST in the Lord and let Him do all things through me. What a blessed relief!