arms of love January 24, 2010

I’ve shared recently about how God is teaching me lessons on grace. What is grace? I’ve heard it defined as unmerited favor…. good and loving treatment that is not deserved.

God desires to pour out His grace on me…  That means that I am loved and favored by Him even though I am not worthy.

I’ve spent so much of my life being critical of myself. I am so good at beating myself up… I find that I do it as effortlessly as breathing. So, it’s hard for me to imagine that God loves me and favors me. Most days, I really don’t believe it.

The Lord has been trying to get through to me. He just keeps pouring out the blessings and the second chances. No matter what I do, He keeps insisting that He loves me. He sees the good in me… the good that I am unable to see.

This morning at church, we were singing a song that always touches me:

Lord of the heavens
King of all days
Without you my world slips away
Redeemed by your mercy
Consumed by your grace
Now I live for you

I’m found in the arms of love
Your love it has saved my soul
I’ll run to your arms of love
Your life’s gonna lead me home

Often when I am singing  in church, the Lord plants images in my mind that I believe are like little messages from Him. I’m a very visual person, so I think that’s why He communicates to me this way. Maybe you think I’m just crazy, but I know it’s Him.

Many of the images are the same time after time. I often see myself with Jesus on the beach.  Today, I saw something new. As I was singing the words, “I’m found in the arms of love,” I saw Jesus walking on the beach carrying me. My children were walking behind us. It was so powerful that even now I feel the emotion flooding me all over again.

He truly is carrying me right now. I have no idea how I get though each day…homeschooling my girls while caring for our baby boy and a houseful of responsibilities.  Sharing life with a husband that loves me endlessly, yet I often feel as though I have nothing to give back to him. This path is not easy. There are so many things that I am not able to do in this season. I can’t catch my breath if I think about it too much.

Yes, Jesus is carrying me. But there was something unseen in this beach image that came through. He wasn’t carrying me because He had to, not because I was such a failure. He was carrying me because He loves me and he knows how demanding life is right now. He knows that I’m tired and emotional. He knows that I am walking this path because He asked me to. He was carrying me in His arms of love because that’s what He promised He would do. He promised that He would never leave me or forsake me… and there it was, as clear as day in my mind.

I’m found in the arms of love.

christmas vacation January 9, 2010

We always dread returning to “real life” after Christmas vacation. While it’s nice to slow down, enjoy the holidays, reflect on the spiritual value of Christmas, and spend time with family without all the demanding schedules… I realized this week that I was not made for Christmas vacation.

As the break from school and work came to an end, I found myself surrounded by a cloud of despair. I hadn’t felt that “blue” in a long time. Weeping at every turn, and literally fearing the days to come, I kept crying out to the Lord.

I can’t do it.

I can’t homeschool my children.

It’s too hard.

I can’t keep up with everything… the baby, the housework, the kids’ schedules.

Yet Monday came, whether or not I thought I was ready.  God was certainly ready.  He led me to have the kids do some independent school work on the first day, while I planned the month of January. Tuesday came and I had more energy and enthusiasm for school.  God was carrying me along. Suddenly, it was Thursday and we were wrapping up the week. We took off to Knott’s Berry Farm on Friday to celebrate!

Funny thing is… I didn’t feel blue all week. The despair was gone.

What did I learn? I am made to live a life of purpose. A life where responsibilities, rewards, and even failure flow in a steady rhythm. Christmas vacation is not real life. While it’s full of joy and wonder and time to rest, it lacks the day-to-day framework that allows me to live out the calling of my life.   Right now, I am called to teach my children and raise them up to be spiritual, loving, educated, responsible people. When I got back to the daily structure of carrying out my purpose, I felt so renewed.  Purpose replaced the despair.

I am so grateful to be where I am.  It is becoming more and more clear to me that I do not know what is best for me!  However, God knows what I need in every way… and I will keep trusting Him to lead and plan out my life.

it’s official December 4, 2009

It’s official. I’ve lost my mind.  For some time now, I have suspected that my mind is slipping away, but now it’s confirmed.

Can’t keep up! What day is it? Can’t keep the details in order. Arranged for a friend to babysit the kids on a night that I don’t need it. Ooops. Two weeks went by, did lots of laundry, but the shirts needed for today didn’t go through the wash??? How is that possible? I’m losing it.

Hit the wall this week in homeschooling.  I am drowning in third grade science. The lessons are laid out for me… but when it involves going to a pond and capturing a hydra (simple invertebrate creature) before the lesson, we’re in big trouble. I completely lost it in the middle of our homeschool day and the kids were ready to call the men in white coats. (Though they have no idea who those guys are.)

So, where to go from here?  God has been talking to me this week about His grace.  His unmerited favor. His strength under pressure. His peace when circumstances warrant otherwise.

He led me to 1 Corinthians 15:10. The apostle Paul is talking about how he doesn’t deserve to be called an apostle because of his past. He spent so much time persecuting Christians before Jesus got a hold of his heart.  “BUT by the grace of God I am what I am,” he says.

That got me. I am not worthy to teach the bible. I am not fully equipped to teach my children. I am too old to keep up with a baby and two emerging young women on little sleep with unending to-do lists.  BUT by the grace of God, I am what I am.

I am a mother.

I am a wife.

I am a teacher.

I will make it by His grace.

The other day, I was at the ice rink with my oldest daughter. She has a weekly one-on-one lesson with a fantastic coach. While I was sitting there, I learned two amazing things that tie right into the grace lesson that God has been trying to teach me.

There are two rinks at IceTown… the one in front is for pay-by-the-hour practice.  Serious competition skaters are usually the ones on this rink. The back rink is for public skating, and is free for my daughter to practice any time because she belongs to the skate academy.

Well, on this particular day, the back  public rink was full of skaters because of Thanksgiving break.  So, I paid the fee to let her skate on the front rink. What a difference! She is used to dodging skitterish children, rowdy teens, and lots of other skaters trying to practice. However, on the front ice, there were only a few skaters. Each one was practicing their skills and routines, mindful of each other, but flawless in the way that they manouvered around each other. It’s as if they have some telepathic way of communicating with each other. It was amazing to watch four different routines in progress at the same time, as they effortlessly wove around each other.

The Lord spoke to my heart:

Just do what I’ve asked you to do. Don’t worry about falling, crashing into others, or forgetting the direction you are supposed to go. Just keep moving, keep humming the song I’ve taught you and forget about those around you. I will lead you, I will be your buffer. Trust Me.

Then I watched as my daughter’s coach put her in a harness. The coach held the rope that went up and over a pulley system and down, connecting to my daughter’s torso. She instructed my daughter to skate; to try the airborne move that they had been working on. While she lept off the ice, the coach pulled on the rope a bit. Suddenly, my daughter performed the jump in a way she never had before. Beautiful!

The pull on the rope, the help that my child received, is like God’s grace. He lifts us and does the work while we go through the motions. The success is because of His power, but we get to participate.

I am going to let God do the heavy lifting from now on. I am going to show up ready to serve, teach, obey, etc… but I am going to let Him do the work. I am going to trust in His perfect, loving arms. That’s what grace is about.

It’s official. I am a child of grace. I am carried in the arms of love!

seek his face November 18, 2009

Reading Psalm 27 this morning, I had one of those moments.  As if I were squinting, trying to see what lies before me…. and then clarity came. My emotional state, my behavior, and the truth came together and I realized something.

I am so often my own worst enemy.

King David wrote Psalm 27 as he cried out to God to be delivered from his enemies. As I read, I thought… no one poses a threat to me as much as I do right now. I am making such poor choices right now. How can I possibly succeed when I am eating poorly, staying up late, procrastinating instead of preparing for homeschool, etc…

David writes that his deliverance, his safety comes only from God.  He says that the one thing he wants is to be with God. He knows that only God can hide him, only God can keep him safe from his enemies.

And so it is with me. Only God can keep me safe from myself! Like David, I must choose to seek God’s face so that I can rest safely in his presence. Only then can I learn from Him. So often, I try to learn from Him… but I have put myself at such a distance that I can barely hear His instruction.

This morning, I tried to live out David’s challenge to seek the face of the Lord. I closed my eyes and imagined myself walking on the beach. I saw Jesus standing near the shore and I sought Him, embraced Him, and looked in His face. What I saw and heard touched my heart so deeply. I was delivered from myself at that moment.

¹ The LORD is your light and your salvation— whom shall you fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of your life—of whom shall you be afraid?

² When evil men advance against you to devour your flesh,
when your enemies and your foes attack you, they will stumble and fall.

³ Though an army besiege you, your heart will not fear;
though war break out against you, even then you can be confident.

⁴ One thing you can ask of Me, that I long for you to experience:
that you may dwell in My house, the house of the LORD all the days of your life,
to gaze upon the beauty of My presence  and to find Me where I dwell.

⁵ For in the day of trouble I will keep you safe in My dwelling;
I will hide you in the shelter of My tabernacle and set you high upon a rock.

⁶ Then your head will be exalted above the enemies who surround you;
In My presence you will shout for joy; you will sing and make music because of what I have done for you.

⁷ I always hear your voice when you call Me;  I will be merciful to you and answer you.

⁸ Does your heart say, “Seek His face”? I long to hear you say, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.”

⁹ I will never hide My face from you, I will not turn you away in anger;
I am your helper. I will not reject you or forsake you, I am your Savior.

¹⁰ Though your father and mother may have forsaken you, I the LORD will receive you.

¹¹ I will teach you My ways, I will lead you in a straight path in spite of your oppressors.

¹² Do not fear the desire of your foes, nor false witnesses that rise up against you, breathing out violence.

¹³ Be confident of this: you will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait on Me, My child; be strong and take heart and wait for Me.

Psalm 27

bittersweet November 11, 2009

Read this mind-pricking quote this morning by  Oswald Chambers. (My Utmost for His Highest):

“Abraham did not choose the sacrifice. Always guard against self-chosen service for God, self-sacrifice may be a disease.”

Wow. That is the basic problem of my life. I want to choose, darn it!!  I want things to be easy, to go smooth.

However, God wants me to grow up and be more like His son Jesus.   He permits difficult situations in my life and calls me to do things that are beyond my abilities. I must learn to surrender to HIS choice, to HIS plans, to HIS ways.

Abraham was asked to give that which was most precious to him. God was only testing him, but Abraham was good with letting God choose.

Oswald Chambers goes on to give us advice about how to proceed. When God chooses the cup that we must drink in our lives, we should accept it with grace if it’s sweet, and “drink it in communion with Him” if the cup is bitter.

Today, my cup is bittersweet. Some really, really tough times sandwiched with some of the sweetest blessings I’ve ever received.

I guess that letting Him choose isn’t so bad after all.

the d word November 4, 2009

My baby boy has slept through the night for several days now. I knew he could do it.

When I went to women’s retreat a couple of weekends ago, the Lord showed me that my boy was capable of sleeping 8 or 9 hours straight. He did it at the hotel. Little stinker!! At home, he would get up every two, three, or maybe four hours in the night. I knew that God was giving me the go-ahead to be firm with my little buddy.

So, when I got home from retreat, I stopped feeding him in the middle of the night. Boy, would he cry. It was hard for him to go back to sleep. However, I knew that a boy in the 100+ percentile for height and weight did not need a midnight and three a.m. snack. I pressed on. Rearranged everyone in the house… put them in rooms where they wouldn’t hear my boy protesting. I cried ALOT. I just kept hanging on to what I knew was true… with some discipline, my son would learn to sleep through the night consistently.
And here we are! We’ve had several good nights in a row. He’s also doing better during the day… I can put him down awake and he falls asleep by himself. That’s another milestone that seemed out of reach at one time.

Discipline. That’s a word that can make me shudder. The bible says that no discipline is pleasant for the moment, but it yields a wonderful, and necessary harvest. That sure rings true in our home right now.

I know that the Lord is trying to discipline me too. I have some areas of my life that are out of control. He is giving me grace for now in some areas (like food) but He is bringing discipline to my life in others. One example is time-management.

I homeschool my two daughters (3d & 6th grade). What issues I’ve been having with the older one!! She cannot use her time wisely. The other day, the Lord showed me that I am no better!  So, He has been showing me how I can grow in this area. I’ve tried the habits and solutions He’s shown me, and we are making slow progress.

Today, I made a very foolish decision regarding time and school work, and it wasn’t long before I was sobbing! God was disciplining me by showing me – clear as day – the results of my decision. He was so kind, whispering to my heart that I should not beat myself up, but just learn from what He showed me.

So, tomorrow promises to be a better day. This discipline is not pleasant… but it will yield the harvest that I need to become a better person, mother, and teacher.

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

sticky dough October 29, 2009

I felt totally energized when I woke up this morning. Planned to get a shower, have a little time reading my bible and praying, and make scones for breakfast.

Well, I couldn’t get out of the shower because the water was so warm… and suddenly time was slipping away. I began to hurry.

I mixed the scone ingredients together and the dough was so darn sticky! I was in tears and so frustrated trying to get the dough portioned out on the stone for baking, now that the time had come to send my older daughter off with dad.

How quickly my own good attitude fizzled out. That stupid dough was God’s way of reminding me that I won’t get anywhere on my own power.

Initially, I skipped out on the quiet time with Him — and I didn’t get very far. The dough (and cascading meltdown) sent me straight to prayer and my devotional book. (Where I should have begun!)

Funny how God uses the littlest things to get my attention. Thankfully, I was paying attention this time.

When the scones came out of the oven… warm and sweet… I was reminded of how God can make something good out of any sticky mess.

Thank goodness.

being still October 28, 2009

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

“Jesus got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” Mark 4:39

“You may not see or feel the inner workings of His silent power, but rest assured it is always mightily at work. And it will work for you, if you will only quiet your spirit enough to be carried along by the current of its power.” –Hannah Whitall Smith

Carry me, Lord.

tough love October 23, 2009

Tough times in my household. I realized that my baby boy is capable of sleeping through the night. He did it three nights in a row recently.

So, it’s time to get tough. I’ve spoiled him so… nursing him to sleep and letting him sleep in my room. All of those habits have taught him that he can eat any time he wants to, and the boy does not know how to go to sleep on his own. I’ve spent this week letting him fuss himself to sleep at every nap and even in the middle of the night. It’s been tough on both of us.

I realized today, while having a quick lunch with a friend, that my approach to parenting right now resembles the way that God deals with you and me.

I can give my baby what he wants… it will make him happy, and solve the problem for the moment. However, giving him what he wants at every juncture creates major problems in the long run. I’ve already seen the consequences for giving in to his whims all the time.  Not only does it make my life crazy, but it hurts him. On the days that we have no schedule, and I let him eat and sleep whenever he wants, the boy is SO fussy. He’s not happy. He doesn’t feel good.

I ask God to do things for me all the time. If He gave into my every whim… I would be happy for the moment. But how would that affect me in the long run? I would never know what perseverance is. I wouldn’t have patience. Would I really be grateful… never having waited for anything?

Sometimes the thing I want is the very worst thing for me! How grateful I am to have a heavenly Father that knows what is best for me… and isn’t afraid to be tough with me. He lets me cry myself to sleep sometimes… and instead of giving me what I want, He gives me what I really need in that moment.

the calling of your life October 14, 2009

Must be a “bloggy” kind of week. This is my third post in five days!

All day yesterday, a book sat on my fireplace and called my name. I finally got to it this morning. A few thoughts from Oswald Chambers just hit me. Reading the passage brought some major clarity to my life today.

Mr. Chambers was talking about Moses. Remember in Exodus 2, when he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave? He killed the Egyptian. I had always thought of that as such an impulsive thing to do. Never understood where that came from… Moses was not a violent man.

After my reading this morning, I think that in his soul, Moses already felt the calling to lead God’s people when he was a young adult in Egypt. Seeing one of his fellow Hebrews being abused, the passion for leadership that God was developing in him came to the surface. Granted, his actions were wrong, but I think that he was responding to God’s call in his flesh (in his own power and timing).

How often are we guilty of that? We sense God’s call on our lives, and we begin to act on it before He can lay out each step before us.

So, Moses spent the next 40 years in the desert with sheep. God needed time to work some things out in Moses. The calling wasn’t canceled, just on hold until God’s perfect timing came to pass.

Feeling like you’re in the desert? I sure am. Sometimes I wonder if God is going to lead me back into the kind of service that I know falls in line with the calling of my life.

God showed me that I need this time in the desert to further prepare me for future ministry. The calling is not cancelled… just postponed for now.

I must trust that His timing is perfect!